I haven't been here in a while.

Umm..

Did I tell you I'm married now?

Wow. It's been forever (it feels like) since I've posted on this thing.

Not too much has happened since, to be honest with you.

I found out I have a few more readers than I thought I had (family/friends), and the guest list for the wedding is still being typed out.

I've been mad-crazy busy since leaving Maryland, and I've only recently gotten to actually sit down and read emails.

Of course, I'm in Louisville once more, which is wonderful, although staying with Derek's family in Pendleton was also wonderful, and in a way, I really miss living with them.

I absolutely love his parents, and being just across the hall from Derek sort of made me feel at ease.. and I slept better at his house than I think I ever have, probably for that same reason. I felt safer knowing that when I woke up in the morning, he was only a couple doors away.

But it's ok. It's only two and a half months away before we can live together permanently... I look forward to sleeping with him.. (like actually sleeping, thank you very much... sickos... lol).. he makes me feel safe.

Well, we started our pre-marital counseling, and that's going very well. We're having our second session with his dad (who's performing the ceremony as well) tomorrow. We've enjoyed working on our "homework" for it together. Working on it today took up (no joke) 3 hours altogether, but a lot of it was talking about our childhood, past experiences, and the main focus of this past lesson--our similarities and differences.

Of course, the main problem we found with the chapter was that it seemed like with all the questions we were to answer, it assumed that we either didn't know each other very well or that we were constantly at each other's throats because we're so different and blah blah blah.

To be honest, I'm so glad he's different. I'm so glad he's not like me... lol
We've gotten to know each other incredibly well since September 28th (when he asked me on our first date), and adding together the days he spent living with my family in Maryland and I spent living with his family, we've spent 11 or 12 days living together already (..wow that sounds bad. No one take me out of context on that one. lol), and I know his weird habits and the little things like him not making the bed (which we laughed about, because I made his bed when I stayed with them) and stuff like that.

So really, I can't wait to marry him. I can't even begin to describe how much I'm looking forward to spending the rest of my life with him. I want to be Mrs. Rucker.. I thank God so much for sending Derek to me. He's more than I could have ever asked for or dreamed of, and therefore, God proves again that He goes over and above what we can hope for or imagine.

Well, I better go. I have other blogs to update and other things to do--including sleeping... lol...

Oh, and I want to apologize to everyone who's been responding to my random and pitiful entries or all who've been trying to contact me through email or anything like that for not replying (which reminds me... Mummy, I called you the other day... lol)... like I said... busy busy busy...

Well, goodnight, you all. =)

hmm... I've kinda forgotten about this blog.... sorry you all...

Ever since my parents started reading another one I had, I figured it'd be easier to just keep up with one instead of both, though I never meant to completely abandon this one.

Let's start out saying that a lot has happened this past month or so that I haven't written--with God and especially with Derek.

First off, the closer I get to Derek, the more I want to read my bible--I always end up going to his workplace (which right now is a bookstore--until December when he starts working at this other place, which pays way more), and since we hang out right next to the "Religious" section, I'm able to read different Bibles--giant print too, which ROCKS, since I always feel blind reading the small print.
Plus, there's just so much to be thankful for now that he's in my life. His maturity actually matches mine (though his emotional maturity is a lot stronger--praise God. lol)...

Here's a pic of us, btw..



And things are just good...



We had "Open Dorms" for Halloween here at school.. I dressed up as a normal person, or as only the guys and a select few cool girls understood, a Boyce Girl. lol... meaning no black... my nails were pink.. I had a light pink sweater on... it was crazy--no eyeliner even.

I also dressed Derek up as a punkish-gothic kid. He was adorable.





...but the biggest news of all...


I'm engaged. =)

Well, I woke up early this morning and fought with my alarm clock for a little while. Quite an intense battle, if I must say so myself. lol

I started thinking this morning about Derek, our hopeful future together, and just how it all happened and how it's amazing it's only been a week. It's hard to believe that I didn't even know his name a couple weeks ago. lol.. I mean, of course I noticed him in class and such (and was scared to talk to him, lol), but if you had asked me who Derek Rucker was, I probably wouldn't have been able to tell you. (although we did find out by googling a buncha stuff that he shares the same name as some European basketball player or something lol)

But once I started thinking, I immediately wondered if I was just getting caught up in that whole lovey-dovey "giddiness" that my friend Mike complains about lol... I keep catching myself staring at bridal registry things and random things thinking, "hmm.. when Derek and I get marr--------whoa." (because it's then that I realize what I'm doing. lol)

And praying about it this morning, I told God that I just don't want this to be all emotions. I mean, while I do love the emotional high I get while being with him or thinking about him, I want to make sure this is God. I was never one to have the best discernment when it comes to these things. lol God knows how dumb I can be.

I just want to make sure it's all Him and not just me and my plans or Derek and his plans.

If you all (who care lol) could pray for us in that, that would be awesome.

*thinks* It was awesome yesterday... after chapel, we walked to check our mail and then went to Lifeway because Derek wanted to look for something. Once we got in there, he told me he wanted to find a devotional book. I was like, "oh, sure, ok.." but then he said it was going to be for us. *smiles*... no guy has ever been the spiritual leader of our relationship..
lol When I told my dad this, he said something about how no guy in a relationship with me has really been spiritual at all. haha... funny, sad, but true point.

Anyway, in closing, don't get me wrong... for the first time in my life, I have an awesomely godly guy who's crazy about me--and I actually feel the same toward him (which is strange because I actually like a nice guy instead of some of the other jerks I've been with lol)--but all I want is to make sure this is God's will and not just us getting into something that would only end up hurting both of us in the end...
I keep thinking about it.. If we keep our focus on God, everything'll work out..

mmmm... I don't know. lol I need to pray some more.

Have a wonderful day, you all. =)

*God, use today all for Your Glory.*

It felt so good to be back "home"..

As I said in yesterday's entry, I went to Shelby County last night until earlier this evening.

Last night, I met back up with Megan and waited for her to get off work. Then we went over to Joe Muggs to see Derek. I met his friend Sara and got to hang out with him for a little while--not as long as I wanted to, but that's ok. lol

Anyway, the drive to Simpsonville was.. different. lol... First off, I was glowing after just being with Derek ("glowing" isn't my term, btw--it's what Megan describes me as being whenever I see him or talk to him or think about him, etc. lol), so I was pretty much thinking about how Awesome God is the entire way there. The drive down Shelbyville Rd was as beautiful as I remember it, especially at night. It was awesome to just drive out there with my windows down, taking in the night air.. no street lights, no traffic, no hustle and bustle.. It's peaceful out there.

Well.. sort of.

I guess you can say the drive was bittersweet. I passed by familiar places.. back country roads, leading to places and houses that left me with some bad memories--well, good memories turned to sad ones.. and I wanted to cry, but it wasn't a sad kind of crying as I would have a month ago (even a week ago), but it was kind of like a soft remembrance that God gives and takes away.

It's both tragic and wonderful at the same time. While the one thing I truly desired was taken away from me a little over a year ago, God has taught me throughout this year and throughout my time at Boyce especially that what I truly wanted was not of Him. He wanted something different for me.. and it turns out that what He wanted for me (for right now at least), was/is way better than I could have imagined.


He gives and takes away. It's that simple... my problem was always trusting Him. It's crazy, I know.. the nerve--I mean, He's God--so who do I think *I* am for not believing Him when He says He'll take care of me?

God's so Amazing. I wish I could find other words, because I know I use that word so much that at times, it loses it's meaning.. but He is truly Amazing.


He's given me so many reasons to be joyful--but above all those things, I want to keep just being loved by Him as my number one, top reason, no competition. lol God's so cool... *smiles*



Anyway, as I was saying before, Meg and I went back to her house and watched a couple movies--one of them being Moulin Rouge, which I hesitated to see before considering where the entire story takes place. lol... But it was such an awesome movie. Definitely goes on my favorites list now. I cried so much--I don't think I even cried that much seeing the Notebook or any of those other dramatic, tear-jerking, girly movies.

But being that I was emotionally high anyway (lol), plus people like me tend to relate to characters in the different movies they're watching, I only thought about one person and cried SO freaking much. lol it was so pathetic.

But I stayed up 'til close to 5, I think.. it was probably closer to 4:30. We talked for a while about things.. life, love, happiness (were your ears burning last night, sweetie? lol)... and some about learning to trust again, dealing with all three mentioned. My biggest struggle is being able to trust people. Why? Because I'm always too trusting that I wind up getting hurt. Naive, naive me..

Anyway, this morning when I woke up at 7:45, lol, I rushed to get ready and was a few minutes late to the church I visited this morning. I didn't really like it though.. I had always wondered what this church was like, being that it's very popular there, but only one person seemed to care that I showed up there. lol.. and I'm not saying that because I wanted people to notice me, but it was another learning experience--teaching me that people in a church should always try to reach out to one another and make people feel welcome somewhere for a change. I mean, honestly, if I was an unsaved person just walking in there wanting to know about Christ, I definitely would be intimidated.. I would definitely have been discouraged.
Whenever I serve in a church or ministry (I mean, I am now, but obviously it isn't long-term since I'll be coming and going with college and all), I want to be the servant Christ was--serving everyone else in the world before Himself.


Ok. I keep getting off track. lol back to today...

After church, I had lunch with a couple who serves as sort of my "second parents" and their son. They're all awesome. Mike and Janell are the people that my parents designated as those who would have to "check out" any guys I want to bring home. lol...

Afterward, we went back to their house and I talked some more about things going on in my life since last we all saw each other, and I played video games with their son, Mark, who's a year older than my baby brother (also good friends with him). It was like having a little brother around again. We laughed about the dumbest and yet funniest things and we played this PS2 racing game for over an hour, trying to destroy each other's cars (even though we were supposed to be racing. lol)..

Then, when I mentioned that Derek liked baseball, Mark decided that I needed to know everything there was to know about it. lol... so we ended up watching part of a Red Sox and Yankees game, and he explained what was going on and who was who and what they did--THEN he pulled out his baseball cards and quizzed me. I failed miserably. lol..

But hanging out with Mark made me miss my baby brother. My parents did call me tonight, however, so I got to talk to him, which was good. It always freaks me out, though, because ever since I started talking to him on the phone, I realized how much he sounds like me.. lol it's like talking to a younger, male version of myself. And if you don't know what that's like, TRUST ME, it's creepy.

lol I ended up crying half-way through my phone time with my family, because when my 15-year-old brother got on the phone, I didn't recognize his voice--until he started mumbling, then I knew it had to be him. (lol)..... but his voice had changed and gotten deeper. I flipped out and cried on the phone. lol I think I scared him, so he gave the phone back to my mum and I was telling her that it was so depressing that they were growing up and I was missing it.

I'll see them in December though. I'm not going home for thanksgiving, but December 14th, I'm getting on a plane and flying to Baltimore (where my parents'll meet my brother and I to go the two hour drive to Hurlock/East New Market)..

Anyway, I'm going to go up to Carver in a bit. I haven't seen some of my friends in what seems like forever.

Goodnight, you all.



*God, i praise Your Name. i know that You take away, and so i pray that i'll always trust You when You do, but i also know that You give. You give me so much, with so many things to be thankful for. i just pray that i'll be able to love you with all that i am no matter what the circumstances. You are Amazing. i pray that You'll further my knowledge of who You are with every breath that i take.*

I know some of you all didn't know anything about it, but that's because I know I have family members who read this, and I didn't want to get their hopes up or anything. lol

But I went on a date last night.

Let me tell you first off that I've never in my life--even though I've been with several guys--had a "real" first date. I think that besides hanging out with guys in group settings, I've only been on dates with one boyfriend, and those were all after we had known each other for quite a while.

So this was my first date with someone that I'm just now getting to know.

His name's Derek. He's 20. He's in my Old Testament class and lives off campus.

..and that's all I'm going to say for now. lol



It was so cool though.. I was fearing that I'd go on a date with him and we'd end up not having anything to talk about or we'd have those horrible awkward silences, but none of that ever really happened. We went to Waterfront Park and walked around and talked, then sat down on a bench by the river and talked some more.. all in all, we talked for like 2 hours straight.. no long pauses, only a couple times thinking, "hmm.. now what should I say?" lol.. The only reason it didn't go longer was because for some dumb reason, I had to be back for curfew, which was at 12.. (I say it's dumb because we're off school this week--and yet we still have curfew at 12? *shakes head* lol)

He's really awesome and from what I read from his blog (lol don't ya love it?), he's also looking forward to our next date. We just have to figure out when we're both off work and such.

*smiles* It was really good. He hugged me after he walked me to the steps of Mullins.




What was even more awesome than the night itself was before the evening activities began, I was freaking nervous. lol But that's not the cool part... that was the horrible part. haha... the cool part was that when I was scrambling around to find people who would honestly tell me how I looked and all, I went down to Kendra's floor (which is one floor down and on the opposite side of my own), I found our friend Liz. She's awesome.. she not only checked me to make sure I looked ok, but she helped calm my nerves and even prayed with me. It was just an awesome way to start the night. I needed to sit down and remember that no matter what happened, God was in control. She prayed that both of our main goals that night would be to glorify God.

I've never prayed before a date before. Ever...

It was wonderful. I think that if God weren't in it, the night would have been a complete disaster--some way, some how. So this whole night was all Him--not me, not Derek.

Praise God for it. He's so Awesome. *smiles*




Ok, well I might try to get some more sleep.

I seriously think I have a sleeping disorder. lol I'm not kidding either..

This whole semester, I haven't had more than 4 hours of sleep a night--5 if I'm lucky. It's been nice getting to sleep in later, but I've also been going to bed much later. But I was very proud of myself that I went to bed at 2--that was early for this week (since school's off), but I ended up waking up at 6 this morning. Why? I have no earthly idea. lol

But I think I'm going to see if I can sleep a couple more hours.. hopefully I can, because I have nothing to do this morning otherwise. lol everyone here is asleep.

Well, goodnight---err.. good morning, you all. lol

(btw, yes, Derek is the guy I mentioned briefly in my last entry.. lol)

Well, praise God, I'm less stressed today about finances. I was worrying for a little while, since my parents were paying for so much stuff for me--food, gas, you name it.

The paycheck wasn't much, but it allows me to save a good sum for my car payment next month, plus gives me a little bit of money to live on for the next couple weeks 'til my next paycheck.

So I'm a bit more relieved. =)

I wish I had saved more from over the summer and such, because what I did have I spent on books and the first couple weeks here.

My job's not paying much though. I might get another one. I like working there because I think their coffee is amazing, and I enjoy some of the people I work with, but it's too far out. It took me almost 40 minutes yesterday because of all the traffic. FORTY. I left at 3:30 and didn't get there 'til 4:10. My boss was upset, but I called him on the way, so he shouldn't have been that upset. He told me I should leave earlier, but then I told him what time I had left and he didn't say much after that..

I tried to pick up an application where my brother works last week, but they didn't have any left. So I need to go back sometime this week. Maybe I can work at the coffee shop on Saturdays only, and work elsewhere the rest of the week. Saturday morning, it only took me 15 minutes to get to work. Yesterday's traffic was just bad, I guess..



I'm trying not to think too much of it, but I talked to someone earlier today for pretty much the first time, though I've noticed them since the beginning of the semester... this person seems really cool. This person seemed genuinely interested in talking to me, but I want to make sure they're not like this one guy I used to know (he was strange.. he talked a lot to me, but he turned out to be a complete weirdo the more I got to know him).. I'm trying to be cautious.

Well, I'm gonna go hang out with my brother for a little while. I wanted to go see The Corpse Bride with him, because I've been wanting to see it since I first heard of it, but he already saw it with someone else.. it's ok though. I'll find someone to go with..

*thinks*... I better find a chick to go with.... of course, no chicks I know of here like Tim Burton movies or anything cool like that. lol I don't wanna end up going with some guy I don't like though--even if I go with a group of my friends, I can name a couple guys who'd try their hardest to sit with me. And that would drive me crazy... ugh....

lol but if some wonderful knight in shining armor comes by and wishes to take me to the movies, that would be amazing. haha... not that anyone would........... but I'm free tonight, tomorrow night, Thursday night, and Friday night after work if any dreamy guy comes along. lol





haha I'm pathetic. But just so you all know, I was (half) kidding, so don't take me (completely) for real.

But really, I've been pretty content in my Lord. I actually was writing today and realized after that I had said "if and when I get a husband"... which is awesome. That's a huge thing for me. Just by saying that, I know that God is slowly working on me--making it easier to say, "I don't need a husband. I only need my God." Sure, a boyfriend/husband would be wonderful, awesome, and amazing, but if God decides not to give me one, sure I would be disappointed, but I could still be content and perfectly happy in being with my Jesus. =)

Had a busy day yesterday.

Went to the David Crowder Concert at Southeast last night. Very awesome. The worship was amazing.

My friends and I waited around for a couple hours after the show to meet Crowder. A few of the guys fell asleep in the middle of Southeast's gigantic lobby floor. lol It was funny. We were all sprawled out, sort of camping out, waiting for the line to go down.

My friend Chip got Crowder to leave a voicemail for a friend of his. It was so great. lol

I saw a couple people from my old church--glad to see some of them. Others didn't really see me, but that's fine. Kinda wished I could have talked more with some of them--I know I miss my youth minister's wife, Jennifer, but I didn't see her. Saw him though, just walking out with some of the youth.

My friend Bailey tried to teach me how to dance last night in the patio room. lol He said it gets your mind off things--which he and I both know is something I need. But dancing? haha.. I'm the least talented of them all on that one!

I actually went to bed early--12:30, I think--watched The Butterfly Effect while going to sleep, and woke up this morning only because my old guidance counselor called me to check up on me and see if I was going to school anywhere--they have to do that, though, to make sure they've turned out successful graduates and whatnot. Nice to hear a familiar voice though.

Still tired. I took the last of my medication today (for my bronchitis), but I'm still having trouble.. so I don't know. If I don't quit coughing up stuff by the end of the week, I think I'll have to see the doctor again. I think I'll be fine though.

Well, not in the mood to say much, so I'm gonna go sleep some more. lol

God bless.

Heh.. I realized that I hadn't even said what was wrong with me. lol

Yesterday afternoon, I went to the campus doctor for my appointment. He at first thought it was mono because of all my symptoms, but as it turns out, it's bronchitis. So he gave me some medicine that has yet to work--he said I should start feeling better in the next 48 hours or so--hasn't been 24 yet, but I'm very eager to feel better. lol

I had a lot of trouble sleeping last night, so I put in Edward Scissorhands--one of my favorite movies of all time--and tried to go to sleep to it. I guess I finally did, but I was still tossing and turning at 2, when I had gone back to bed right after I wrote my last entry.
I think it might have been just because my sleep schedule's been weird.

I set my alarm this morning so I could wake up and go to my 8:30 computer class--the one class my brother, Frank, and I have together. But when I woke up, there was no way I would be able to. This whole morning, I've been coughing up more stuff than I had yesterday.. I don't know if that's good or bad, but it's really annoying.

When I woke up this morning, my floor was all wet. I suppose my air conditioning unit had leaked. So I wrote a maintenance request, and hopefully that'll be fixed. The only problem is that I don't know when they'll come--if it would be today or tomorrow, etc... and if they do come, what if I'm asleep (as I am sick, and sleeping's all I've really been doing)? I don't like the thought, considering all the maintenance people are men.

I have a towel keeping it from leaking now, so it should be good until they get here..



Anyway, I have to go back to work today. Hopefully by 5:30, I'll be up to it. I close tonight with my friend Sam, so that's good. At least I'll be entertained. Next week is when I guess Brent, my boss, is taking me off the training schedule. So that's good. I asked for more hours, so hopefully I'll start working at least 20 hours a week now.

I'm kinda sad. This morning I got a call from my friend, Evan.. he was saying his last goodbye, because he, Jeff (who I mentioned in last night's entry), and Bobby were all leaving for Detroit (their hometown) this morning. They're the guys I'm usually hanging out with. So my boys have left me all alone... *tears*

lol nah, I'll be fine. I have tons of other friends I can hang out with--I'm just really close to them. As I said, they're my boys. *pouty, sad face..* lol

I'm worn out now.. ugh.. this coughing--blah!! I think I'm going to get some more sleep after I finish drinking this tea.

Have a blessed day, you all. =)

*God, i give You my day...*

Yeah, lately, along with feeling physically sick, I've been feeling really homesick.

I got an email from my parents this morning of a picture of my baby brother playing his new cello. He's in the 6th grade now and just learning how to play. I realized then how much I missed him...

Crazily enough today, I also thought a lot of my other brother, Jamie, who's 15.. I was listening to music and came across this Dashboard Confessional song called--believe it or not--Jamie.. so that kinda made me sad. lol (even though it was about a girl, just the fact that it was about someone named Jamie, and I was already missing home, it added to it)

But anyway.. my friend Jeff and I took a walk tonight--first time I've actually hung out with anyone since Monday. He and a few of our friends who are from his home church are all leaving tomorrow morning to go back home for the week--as it is our fall break all next week. He was telling me about how much he missed home, his family, his dog, all that sort of stuff.. it made me miss my family too.

To be honest, I don't consider Maryland my home, but I guess "family" is the equivalent of "home"... and I can't wait to go "home." I miss them.

Well, I guess I'll start counting down the days 'til Christmas break..